TRANSCRIPT

Have you ever experienced the sound of a cyclone, tornado or vicious storm swirling around outside?  The sound of the wind as it howls and screams around your home……  Thunder so loud that the doors and windows shake.  Like a roaring freight train being driven directly outside your window and into the surrounding streets and suburbs, the sound of screeching metal as it lifts roofs from their houses.

And then…… all of a sudden it stops!! ……..You cautiously peer out the window to see if it is safe to come out, ………but also knowing potentially that it will return from the other direction.  In most cases it does return, only to wreak another onslaught of destruction.

When it’s finally safe to go outside, people start to come out into the street……..  Eyes wide open, the deafening silence as you look around to inspect the damage.  Tree’s stripped of their leaves and branches, their naked trunks bent over like old rag dolls.  Tin roofs peeled from the structure of houses or tiled roofs that literally look like a stack of dominos laying scattered all over the ground.  Or the neighbour’s garden shed has somehow ended up in your backyard, or the trampoline that seems to be all twisted and crumpled swaying up against the fence.

And then the clean-up commences……  The sound of 100’s of chainsaws…….., trucks sweeping the streets,…. the comradery of communities coming together and the retelling of stories of what the night had been like for them…….

You are probably wondering – where the hell is Kathy going with this now?

In Episode 2, Like a Tornado, I use this analogy to liken the mental anguish that had been going on for this little 12/13 years old and how like a tornado the mental touchdown, unleashed a series of destructive events in a short space of time……

• Disassociated from being a Jehovah’s Witness
• Unsuccessful suicides attempts
• Homeless and sleeping on a park bench or someone’s lounge room
• Raped on my 13 birthday
• Raped twice in one night
• Sent away to live with an Aunt and Uncle I had never met

And yes, there is now the aftermath consequences……

What I clearly want to communicate here,…… is that the aftermath of anything traumatic impacts not only the victim or victims,……… but extends out to entire communities.  Like cleaning up after a storm, others all experience their own varying degree of trauma.

In most instances,….. people’s first reaction after a major event can be an incredible sense of relief that they are alive… and then of course the concern that their loved ones are also safe. … This is then VERY quickly followed by feelings of anxiety, stress, fear and anger…..  I am definitely not a trauma expert,.. not by any means.  But what I do know as I bring you into this next episode,…… the aftermath consequences of that mental tornado and the destruction that followed, did not just impact me, but vibrated and rippled through an entire community……..  Aunties,… Uncles,…. cousins, Mums and Dads…., friends,…. police, welfare and a whole bunch of legal people.

I will never truly know the entirety of my invisible village of safety through this period of my time. ….. Those that protected me, spoke up for me and tried to rescue me.

By the time of recording this episode – episode 4… 6 weeks have gone by since recording episode 3.  Those 6 weeks have included spending 2 weeks with my foster Mum and Dad, Sheila and Wayne, and also several weeks with Aunty Norma and Uncle Dan…….  We have also travelled through my birth town of Alice Springs and spent many days with my beautiful sista, schoolfriend and also one of my foster sisters.  All of who have shared soooo many amazing stories.  This are yet to be future releases.

I feel so incredibly grateful that I have after 38 years, had the opportunity to say a personal thank you to these very special people who were and still are in my invisible village…..  For some,….. it also meant a healing of the past especially when some were directly impacted by that horrific aftermath clean up.

Now let me bring you back into my story………

By now I had been living with my Aunty Norma and Uncle Dan for a couple of months in Langwarrin, VIC.  I had been enrolled in the local Public High School, and although the first few weeks of bullying made for a rough start, I very quickly was making friends.  I distinctly remember 2 friends….., Tracey and Jacquie and we would hang out in the school yard and now as I could watch TV, there were many things I now could be included in conversations.  I was also going to roller skate rink discos’ and having friend sleep overs.  All of which had been an absolute no in my parents’ home.

There was an element of normality happening in my life……  My home felt safe and secure with the love my Aunty and Uncle and cousins……  I was also regularly writing to my Aunty Ellen, my fathers eldest sister…..  Again those letters seemed to be my way of communicating to an adult of my inner thoughts and activities.

However the impending court hearing had now been scheduled for August and that meant that both my Aunty Norma and I were required to fly from Melbourne to Darwin and then take a small charter flight from Darwin to Katherine…..  A small 8 seater plane.

Besides the seemingly normality of a safe home, school, friends and weekend social activities….., there was the regular trips to counsellors……., phone conversations with solicitors, Dr’s and police.

My experience with counsellors, which were numerous throughout my lifetime,….. but for those counsellors that were in those formative years,…… seemed to position my recovery as almost dictating what and how I should be feeling…….  For me at that moment in time, I distinctly remember thinking that there must be something wrong with me as I don’t feel any of those things.

But I think, as I reflect back and also took to Dr Google, I was exhibiting a stage of trauma now referred to as ‘the underground stage’. … ‘It really didn’t happen, it was a dream’.  Perhaps still a coping mechanism to this day, as a 50 year old.

The point that I am making here, is that the behaviour that I was presenting with and feeling was not anything close to what I was being told I should be.  In particular that I would always have a fear of having sex…… So what did I do?  I resort to what had been a familiar behaviour of risk……  I managed to convince a guy that I have met at the skate rink disco to have sex, just so I could test this theory of being scared…..

I later wrote about this to my Aunty Ellen, as my periods were now late and I was concerned that I might be pregnant……

This event had occurred in the weeks leading to my court attendance.  I hadn’t felt scared, in fact I hadn’t felt anything at all……  I will come back to the aftermath of this moment further down in this episode……

It is now time to board our flight from Melbourne to Darwin………  I don’t recall the flight at all, but our arrival into Darwin……… we were greeted at the terminal by plain clothes detectives.  Whisked off and then seated in front of a solicitor.  A whole bunch of questions were asked and I distinctly recall that I was told that I would only need to be present in court which was expected to be up to 5 days, for my account as a witness and given my age I would not have to be cross examined.

From the solicitors office we stayed in an overnight hotel and the following day we boarded our flight from Darwin to Katherine in a very small charter plane.  The plane was filled with legal people and plain clothes police.  I found out in later life that we actually had a police escort for the entire trip – apparently for our safety..

After landing in Katherine, we were driven to our hotel which was located across the road from the courthouse………. and there we were advised that we would be called when my attendance was required.

And there we waited, my Aunty and I waiting for that phone call. Back then it was only a landline.

I don’t know the time frame of when that call was made, but I do recall the moment of walking into that court room…..

My Aunty Norma held my hand as we entered the room.  There were people guarding us from the front and also from behind.

It was deathly quiet……….  AS I looked up….., I could see my parents on one side of the courtroom, and then on the other side…… lots and lots of people.  I instantly become scared, my heart racing with not knowing what to expect…..

Again so many moments in time that are so vague,…… yet so many moments that are so clear,… like they happened yesterday.

I was summoned to sit in the witness stand, which could be described like a little cupboard, that once I was in, was locked behind me,… a wooden bench seat and the walls were only half way up, so I could see out and down to everyone that was seated in the courtroom.  So formal and stifling…….. The front row was filled with legal people, lots of folders, and they were all in their courtroom wigs.

The judge walked into the room and we all were required to stand…….  Next there was a person holding a bible and I had to place my hand over the top and swear to speak the truth………  I then sat down and had a quick glance out to everyone sitting in the courtroom.

All the boys were there in the front row, all looking up at me.  The white man was also seated several rows behind them.  There seemed to be sooooo many people on that side of the room and on the otherside, not so many people but my parents.

Then the questions started……… I won’t go into the details here,……. but after a short period of time, I became acutely aware that my parents were listening……….  I asked the judge if they could please leave the room and if I could have my Aunty Norma come into the witness box…..  Keep in mind I am only 13 years of age, had never been in a court room in my life,….. yet somehow had the courage to request what I did.

By now my entire body was a vibrating tremor, from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet…… My Aunty Norma sat in the witness box with me and held my hand…….. To this day, the experience of having to attend that court room is one of the most traumatic experiences that I could have ever had to go through….. 

I am not sure how the court hearing actually went for – but it seemed like forever. ….. I ended up being cross examined, despite being told that I wouldn’t given my age. …. That entire process was cruel,…. the style of questioning was intimidating.. and I remember stumbling over my words a lot.  The intent of trying to squeeze something out from me, and manipulate my words into something else was just horrendous.

…..As I stop here for just a moment, I want to bring myself back to the intent of telling my story. I am fully aware that perhaps you as a listener are feeling uncomfortable,….. or even horrified or it may have created an overwhelming sadness……..,I myself are feeling all of those things!

My reflections as an adult on this experience, which is no longer happening…… is this……….!!

Everyone in that courtroom was impacted by the aftermath consequences of that dark mental tornado that happened for that little 12/13 year old girl, and this moment in time would form part of the clean up!!  

There were many many people in that court room who had been in my invisible village, most who I will never really know who they are….  And for now I want to say thank you to them. ….. I am also fully aware that the vibration of that trauma was like the sound of silence after a storm has passed….. and people are stepping out to view what damage has been left behind…… The chaos of destruction left behind, was and continues to be felt to this day – almost 40 years on.

My Aunty Norma, who had been by my side for the entire courtroom experience, was an absolutely critical character in my invisible village at that time.  I am not sure how I would have survived without her unconditional care and love. 

We are now back on the plane, returning from Katherine to Melbourne.  I don’t recall any of the return trip,……. again moments in time that have been blanked out.

My first week back at school from attending the court hearing in Katherine, was actually preparing for a school camp.  I had never been allowed to attend school camps when living with my parents, so I remember being excited………. I am pretty sure the camp was in Echuca, on the border of VIC and SA.  The trip out seemed to take forever, and it was raining and cold.  After 4 or so days, we were back on the bus to return home.  My very first school camp had definitely been an experience.

I can’t recall who collected me from school that day after we arrived back from the school camp, but I do remember as I walked into the house, a sense of something was wrong.  A letter from Aunty Ellen had arrived and for some reason I was asked to read it in the lounge room.  I remember reading it in silence and then Aunty Norma asking me a strange question – like, how was Aunty Ellen?  My response – good?

I went into my room, and realised that Aunty Ellen had disclosed to them that I had had sex and was concerned that I may be pregnant.  So here I was…… just had gone through the most traumatic of all experiences, with my Aunty Norma always by my side and now they had discovered what I did, which I felt had been something that I had written in confidence to my Aunty Ellen.

Not really knowing what to do or how to behave……. I recall trying to talk to my cousin, who by this stage had actually moved back home after breaking up with her boyfriend.  She was so angry with me and wow she certainly let me know how she felt…..  I also remember trying to talk to Aunty Norma, but she also was so angry with me.  So what do I do?  The next best thing that is again familiar to me…….. I walk out the door, down the road to my friend’s place.

This time my runaway experience is different…….  Aunty Norma and Uncle Dan arrived at my friends place, and while I again cannot recall the full conversation, I do remember that I was now going to be sent home to my father and mother………  In later years Aunty Norma did tell me that she had grounded me, and when I asked for how long, she said until I was 30 years old.  We did have a laugh when she recalled this moment with me………  There is an amazing episode that will come out in the next few weeks, where I introduce Aunty Norma and Uncle Dan to you.  Their account of that phase of our lives together was huge and whilst my behaviour at that time meant that they had to send me back to my parents.  Their unbelievable generosity of time, love and support is nothing short of exceptional……..  Grateful again to have had the opportunity to say thank you.

After Aunty Norma and Uncle Dan sent me back to my parents, who at that point in time had moved from Katherine to Alice Springs,  it would be over 35 years later that I would have the opportunity to reconnect with them………  Our reunion would be at my father’s funeral and whilst we had missed out on so much of each other’s lives, it was here that I finally had the opportunity to rebuild a relationship with them…….  Since my father’s funeral we have spent a lot of time retelling stories, looking through photos, crying and laughing………  But what has been the most important, is the time and space to say thank you for being such incredible characters in my invisible village. 

Not only the opportunity to say thank you, but probably the most significant, is being able to say to them, ‘’you did the right thing in sending me back to my parents’’.  I was really one messed up little girl……..  The guilt that they had carried for all those years in having to send me back,……. together with the anger and pressure from others who couldn’t understand why they had to send me back, was just enormous.

During that phase of my life, their niece arriving under the pretense from my parents that I had been just a bit rebellious, only to find out there was a WHOLE lot more going on……,  In 6 months, my Aunty and Uncle, had weathered the significant aftermath consequences of that horrific mental tornado,….. that ultimately left them like that tree trunk after a severe storm,…….. Left with no leaves or branches, and bent over like a worn out ragged doll, ……completely exhausted and overwhelmed.

As I close out this episode, I am exceptionally grateful that the extension of being reunited with Aunty Norma and Uncle Dan, is now also having my cousins and their children in my life.  Whilst we all have experienced different pathways over the past 35 years, the feeling of being connected unconditionally……… is that warmth and comfort of being accepted, approved and believed.  All of which is so incredibly powerful in supporting our growth and belonging as characters in our invisible village.

I invite and welcome you into the next episode of my story.  

Raised by an Invisible Village.

Creating a safe and connected space for you and I ☺