TRANSCRIPT

As you listen to this Episode, it may generate a whole range of emotional feelings from…. WOW!! how could that happen, to what a rebellious little girl, ……to I just want to scoop you up and keep you safe. 

I myself went through a whole range of emotions, in fact it did take a few stops and starts, lots of deep breaths to finally complete this Episode, knowing that there is so much to tell in my story…..  It may even sound a little disconnected in some parts to you as the listener…. and well that was and still is…. a coping mechanism.

Although this and the next few Episodes are filled with real darkness of the past, I want to ensure that lightness of the present also comes out, a reminder that this story is connecting us with our Invisible Village, those characters who are there when we are ready to let them in, ………or in some cases let them out.  And ……in amongst the darkness we are about to lean into…….. I would love you to remember that for me…..this period of darkness ….is no longer happening.

Are you ready?…..

‘Dear Mum and Dad, I won’t be coming to the bible study tonight because I am going to go to my boyfriend’s birthday dinner.’

I was twelve years old when I handed this note to my sister to give to my parents who were all about to head to the unit underneath our house for the weekly bible study held at my Grandfather’s or (Bapa) as we called him.

I don’t really remember the exact words that I wrote in that note, but what I do remember is my heart pounding so loud as I handed that note to my sister, ….and then headed off down the road to a waiting car where my boyfriend had parked with his parents…….  An old 1980’s or maybe 1970’s Chev truck, …. had a canopy on the back.  I jumped into the back with my boyfriend and off we went to the restaurant.  Even now after almost forty years I can feel my heart pounding and my breath becoming quicker……  Who does that!! …..Let alone a twelve year old girl, who had, until this point, been the golden child in the eyes of her parents.

However, just let me reverse up a bit……. to fill you in on the rumblings that led up to that moment, which could only be likened to the formation of a terrifying tornado about to unleash chaos.

In episode one, I talked and wrote about being a child of a Jehovah’s Witness family.  Extreme restrictions, …….deeply religious parents, ……..isolated from the world and a little girl navigating her way to gaining acceptance and approval.  It felt as if all the air was being sucked up and in,…… the pressure was building in this little girl…… and dark mental… dark clouds forming in her mind.

It was 1984, twelve years of age, grade six and I am starting to become aware of my physical transition into a young woman.  By now I had been menstruating for a while and given my young life up until this point had meant that I had grown up fast.  In fact….. I was often thought of much beyond my years and as such, was starting to receive attention from boys much older than me.  Which probably scared the hell out of my Father and Mother.

It was around October of that year, that my Mother needed to have a significant operation and that meant her flying from Katherine to Perth.  ……It would be at least four weeks that our Mother was away, …..and it was planned that my Father and the rest of us – my siblings, would travel by car from Katherine to Perth, a full five day trip, almost 4000 km in distance.   During this time of my Mother’s absence, I assumed the full responsibilities as the eldest child to cook, wash and clean.  At the time I didn’t really think about what this had meant, it was after all something I had done for a number of years,……… having a sick Mother who seemed to be bed or couch bound.  My youngest sibling at the time was only around six, and my other brother and sister were ten, nine and eight.  As an adult, I reflect back to this time and whilst there is an element of a lost childhood, I was developing lifelong skills.

It was on this trip from Katherine to Perth, that I learnt how to drive.  The family car we had was a Toyota Hiace, a bench seat in the front and bench seat in the back cabin.  The tray had been fitted out by my Father to include beds in preparation for the long trip.  Strange these days to think that I sat beside my Father in the front bench seat, steering the car as we travelled at a speed of over 120km down the road, changing gears.  Quite dangerous really, but I remember loving it, a moment in time when I felt connected to my father.

We arrived in Perth, which is also where my Father’s Mother and older sister Aunty E lived.  I remember we stayed with Gran, my Father’s Mother in her small 2 bedroom unit.  How we all fitted in there, I am not quite sure, 5 kids and our Father.  

Gran had a TV, which we all thought was mesmerising, especially considering we didn’t have a TV in our home.  We were allowed to watch the cartoons, not sure which ones they were, but I do remember the TV advertisements, and loved the Barbie Dolls.  We had never been allowed to have a Barbie Doll, maybe she was a representation of an immoral female, especially as she wasn’t married to Ken. (lol)

Gran also loved her lotto, which she religiously made sure she got her numbers from the TV every night.  Lotto for a Jehovah Witness is considered a form of gambling, and only greedy people gamble.  It is that serious that if you were to be found to gamble, it is a cause for disfellowshipping, a shunning from the religion and others.  I will talk about this a little more further in this episode. 

Gran was obviously not a Jehovah’s Witness, and so for all of us not ever having been in a house that wasn’t a Jehovah’s Witness, it was full of curiosity.  Nearing xmas time, meant that it was being talked about, and remember Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate xmas.  Gran also loved her magazines, New Idea and Women’s Day.  All these things that may seem irrelevant, however for me having not had any exposure to the outside world, I found it all new and fascinating.

Our Mother was still in hospital when we arrived in Perth from Katherine, and we all went to the hospital to visit.  It was on this occasion that we were all given gifts…….  This was a rarity in our house, especially given that Xmas and Birthdays were not celebrated, so the opportunity of gift giving was pretty well non-existent.  

So on this occasion, receiving a gift was pretty exciting.  I do remember we all received a card each and although I can’t recall the words in the card, my gift was to buy material for my school uniforms and together with my Mother we would sew my school uniforms.  I was going to be starting High School the following year, which was only a few months away.  My other siblings all received money……  Now normally, you would think that this would be a lovely, Motherly touching gesture, as I am sure by now my Mother and Father could sense their golden child was starting to become restless and this was a way of connecting with me, sewing had been something that I had always enjoyed.  Our yearly bible conventions that we attended, always meant that we sewed new dresses in preparation.  

Unfortunately though, for this golden child the pressure of the air was really building into dark storm clouds, and the resentfulness of everyone receiving money to buy what they wanted, and well me…….sewing my school uniform?  Really!!

It would be on this visit to Perth that I was able to get to know my Aunty E, Dad’s oldest and closest sibling, and not a Jehovah’s Witness.  Aunty E would became a significant person in my invisible village, as after our visit to Perth, we would write regularly, yes old fashioned letter writing.  Her letters were always long, and I always looked forward to them.  

It would be on this visit, that for the first time, I would confide with an adult that I really hated being a Jehovah’s Witness.  In my eyes, Aunty E was the coolest parent ever.  She smoked, she swore and she had 2 sons, both adopted, a few years older than me, and they were allowed to do all sorts of things ….. like go to disco’s and not only have girlfriends……. but their girlfriends were allowed to sleep over…..  This was so foreign to me.  

Aunty E also must have sensed the growing agitation in this little girl and in secret from my parents,  allowed me the opportunity to go to a skate rink disco with my cousin M.  This was something that was an absolute no no in our home .  Any school discos that were held, we were never allowed to attend.  Music was another source of scrutiny…… the words…..the singers were all worldly and lets not forget dancing, gyrating and swinging hips was for those who fornicated.  In the eyes of Jehovahs’ Witnesses the meaning of worldly is anything that is associated outside of the religion.

So off to the skate rink disco with my cousin M who was about 16 years of age, and well…….. being the little cousin 11 years of age, he had girls to see and he soon left me sitting by myself…..  Despite M leaving me by myself…… I had the best time and desperately wanted his life to be mine.  Innocently, all I really was wanting was the freedom to have fun and live.  However the taste of worldly activities only contributed to, ……more dark clouds brewing…. and the sky in my mind was becoming darker and darker.

I don’t remember anything about the return trip from Perth back to Katherine……  I can imagine it would have been a very very long trip home.

Katherine Highschool, Grade Eight, twelve years of age.  Given my birthday is in December, I was always the youngest of everyone in my class.  However, my physical appearance and maturity seemed to place me well beyond my years.  People often mistook me to be at least sixteen or older.  This was an advantage, but also a significant disadvantage.

I can’t recall my first day at High School,  but what I do know is that within a few weeks or months, I had started to finally make friends.  After my traumatic bullying experiences at primary school……ostracised from any person or activity, my newly found High School friends, most of whom were aboriginal, liked me!!   And felt like I had finally found my tribe, my sense of belonging and acceptance.  We were also the cool kids at school who smoked cigarettes down the back of the school oval or in the school toilets……  In those days anyone could buy cigarettes and only $1 a packet.   It also was a time that I was getting a lot of attention from other guys and I was like any other girl at the same age, being a little boy crazy with lots of crushes with guys that were a little older than me.  

All of what I was participating in during this period of time, was formulating a double life……..  A compliant little Jehovah’s Witness child in the world of her parents……. and a rebellious accepted school student who was no longer the runt,……… but was fast becoming one of the most popular girls with cool friends.

To buy cigarettes, I would steal money from my Mothers purse,…….. and off I would go on my bike, using the excuse of being on my early morning exercise routine.  There was a little shop not far from our house,…. and I would ride down to get the trendy Winfield Reds.  I would suggest that this was also why I was popular!  I always had cigarettes.  I am not sure how I wasn’t caught, but I certainly got away with it for a period of time.

During this early phase of time in my first year of high school, I lived with the constant reminder of being a child of a Jehovah Witness family.

Religious classes were still held and of course, and I would be segregated from the mainstream classes – back then predominantly Catholic.  Having to turn up to another little group, often in the school library, was like a walk of shame past all the other classes.

For some reason my Mother had taken to also sewing our underwear, perhaps to save money.  Anyway, these were ugly, brown, full brief, Amish looking underwear.  Not pretty, girly, frilly pairs of underwear that everyone else wore.  Which wouldn’t necessarily have been a problem, until the behaviour at High School was someone lifting your dress up – and oh ewww brown full briefed underwear!! (lol)  Or was it the fact that I had to wear a modest dress that was hemmed below my knees while all the other girls were able to wear mini dresses or skirts.  Or was it the school play, Oklahoma that I was forbidden to watch,….. let alone be part of.  Oklahoma was a story about a farm girl in love with 2 different guys. …..  And what about Grease?  The entire school, which was only around 200 or so students, had the opportunity to watch in the library.  Absolute No for me! Well I did anyway, ….and oh how I thought I was just like Sandy.  The perfect next door girl, ….now smoking, swearing, having boyfriends and not wanting anything at all, to do with the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

The tornado inside this little girl’s mind was now quickly building momentum and about to touch down.

Now…. let me take you back to the beginning of this part of the story, ….giving a note to my sister that I wouldn’t be coming to the bible study downstairs as I was going to be with my boyfriend for his birthday.  My heart pounding, determined… I jumped into the back of the 1970’s Chev truck and off we went.

I don’t remember much of the dinner, but I do remember that my boyfriend and I smoked, kissed and messed around in the back of the truck canopy.  To this day, I don’t even remember his name, or what he looked like.  Not really important though!

Mmmmm now I am about to be dropped back home.  I tiptoed into bed.  Waiting, I would have smelt like a stinky cigarette ashtray, back then smoking inside was aloud.  I recall my Mother opening my bedroom door and slowly closing it.  I wonder what was going through her or my Father’s minds – their golden child was far from golden now.  For some reason I wasn’t in the front room with the other girls, I was in a room by myself.  Strange now when I think back to it.

The next day, I recall getting up and going to school.  That seemed to be the one consistent thing I did all the way through…..  I don’t recall any words being spoken, perhaps I was pretending nothing had happened……..  After school though, I do remember my Mother picking me up, I always caught a bus to and from school…….  This time though, my Mother picked me up and took me to the CWA  Country Women’s Association, for scones, jam n cream.  Being taken out was considered a treat, having 5 kids, a stay at home Mother and one income, the household budget would have been pretty tight……. I could sense my Mother was trying very hard to connect to her daughter who by now was clearly agitated, but there was nothing that could be done to stop the unleashing of what would be coming.

The next few months after the event of meeting with my boyfriend for his birthday, can only be described as a tornado gaining momentum, picking anything and everything up, twirling it around, dropping it down, only to pick it up again for another round.  A whirlwind of major events, that I can’t pinpoint specific dates, sequencing or even timeframes.  Out of control with no sense of direction.

While I pause here to take a breath and settle the pounding of my heart, it’s also a time to reflect and think about who was in my invisible village during this time?  Was it my friends that I finally had made at school, was it the neighbour who lived in the house behind our house, who had found me walking to school on several occasions, sobbing hysterically and drove me to school with kind words to say?  Or was it the next door neighbour who allowed me to sleep on their couch?  

All I know is that it was insanely chaotic.  Lots of yelling and fighting.  There definitely was not the sound of peace in the house. I am sure that my parents simply did not know how to manage their daughter who by now was well and truly asserting herself.

I do recall one particular morning, when it absolutely erupted in our house …….my Father took to taking off his belt.  The belt had traditionally been the choice of punishment in our house, as it was for most homes at that period of time……  My Father was trying his best to control his out of control daughter,……. only this time he had cornered me in the bathroom and started to belt me.  Normally he would belt us by making us hold out our hand…..…but on this occasion my father absolutely lost it and he was out of control….. belting me all over my body.  Somehow I found the strength to rip the belt of his hand and threw it on the bathroom floor.  I had welt marks all over my hands, arms and legs. 

The police actually turned up on this occasion, not sure how they ended up there, but the screams and yelling from the house would have disrupted the neighbourhood.  Again some strong yet vague memories from this event that I am not sure what eventuated from the police visit.  

Somewhere shortly after writing that note, handing it to my sister, not attending a bible study and disappearing with my boyfriend, I was summoned to be in front of the elders.  

Elders are like priests in a church.  They believe their appointment is determined by God, and are recognised as the leaders of a congregation.  They take responsibility for their assigned congregations’ governance, under the direction and guidance of the Jehovah’s Witness head office, based in New York, otherwise known as the Governing Body.  Incorporated into managing governance, is ensuring that those who are participating in lawless behaviour as determined by their interpretation from various sections of the bible,……. or those committing a serious sin, who are not repentant,….. can be removed from the congregation.  This is called a disassociation or disfellowshipping.  

The way in which a disassociation or disfellowshipping is undertaken, is with three Elders or the very least, one Elder and two Ministerial Servants.  ….Ministerial Servants, sit below an Elder and are in training to be an Elder.  Only males can be appointed to these roles.  This scenario can be likened to a tribunal, it is very formal, scripted and includes detailed questioning.  Every miniature detail is asked and captured to determine if the person in questioning is repentant of not.  A determination is then made and the individual is provided with an outcome.  If the decision is made that it is a dissociation or disfellowshipping, a formal announcement is made at the following meeting and from that point forward, the individual is removed and no longer can be associated with anyone that is a Jehovah’s Witness.  And this also includes family members.

I am going to assume your experience is so far removed from this scenario, that it simply doesn’t make sense……so let me spend a bit of time providing you with some context.

I am a twelve year old little girl, I’m now smoking, swearing and I have a boyfriend.  There would be the assumption that I am probably having sex, which I wasn’t at that moment in time.  I am now required to sit before three men, who I know, remember it was a very small Jehovah’s Witness congregation. For some reason my memory is not able to recall the third person, but I distinctly remember two of the three.  I do recollect though, them trying to be kind, but this is a formal, scripted meeting.  I waited upstairs and then was called downstairs to my Grandfather’s unit.  The very place where the bible study had been held, where I had written the note that I wouldn’t be attending.  

All three males had been in their own private meeting, preparing for my tribunal….. I was finally called downstairs, seated up on a stool, while they sat all three huddled together on a couch.  

I don’t remember all the questions, but having been brought up as a Jehovah’s Witness, I was fully aware of  the full consequence of what could be the outcome of being disassociated……  The worst outcome for someone who was a Jehovah’s Witness…….  So I was trying hard to appear repentant for my actions and behaviour.  Scared, crying, sad, lonely and isolated!

Decision time!  Yep disassociated.  And the only way that I would be reinstated, was by having no association with any of my worldly friends and after a period of time, it would be reassessed and require another tribunal meeting with the elders.

So, I am twelve years of age

Cannot associate with any other Jehovah Witness

I live at home with my family

I have to attend all Jehovah Witness meeting – yet sit at the rear of the congregation

Leave early to sit in the car and wait for everyone to finish their mingling

And now have been told that to be reinstated, I can’t associate with any worldly friends

I had to sit there at the rear of the congregation while my disassociation announcement was made……  Now they don’t announce WHY someone is disassociated or disfellowshipped, but they do provide a talk directly after the announcement, in and around the ‘act or acts’ against the bible, which generally is the reason for the dissociation.  So here I am……..at the rear of the congregation, looking at the back of everyone’s heads, the deafening sound of silence after the announcement and then the instant shunning!!……  The eye avoidance when someone got up to go outside and had to pass where I was seated was shattering.  This also included those few who were actually in the same year at school.   

At that moment I really wanted to die.  I felt my life was not worth living.

Now at home, I had been moved into the lounge room, with a privacy screen to separate my bed space from the lounge room.  My journal, that I had regularly written in, had now been read by my Mother….  Notes about life……. my favourite Aunty E who had been banned from contacting me, and all my sadness, well that journal was now confiscated.

The first attempt at suicide was around this time.  My Father being an epileptic had all these prescription tablets, surely I thought, these would end my life.  So I took a whole bottle, but it wasn’t to be. …… Apparently I slept for two days, as I found out in later life.  What I found really interesting here is why was I not taken to the hospital?  From my understanding, my Father and Mother had known what tablets I had taken, and figured that I would be okay.  Mmmmm maybe alive but clearly not okay!!

It was shortly after my suicide attempt, more chaos, noise and yelling.  It would be here that the tornado was really well and truly in full flight.

I was now homeless.  My Mother had packed all my clothes in a black plastic bag, positioned them at the top of the front stairs. and with the words of  ‘If you don’t change your attitude, then you are not welcome here’………  Well I wasn’t changing my attitude, so now I was on the streets.

I was pretty shrewd though.  I had figured out my Mothers morning patterns of taking my Father to work, and then followed by taking the other kids, my siblings to school.  So while the house was empty, I would break into the house to get food, money and clothes.  I had also discovered my Grandfather was away in the unit below, and they had a huge money jar that I was able to steal from, and sometimes I would sleep on their couch.

Mostly though, I slept on park benches, it was summer……… and Katherine summer was extremely hot and humid, which was probably a good thing at that point in time.  There was also a children’s play park, that to this day, holds a retired steam train with a few empty trailers, at times I would sleep there.  The train though was somewhere I didn’t feel safe………. so I only slept there a few times, the park bench in the town centre seemed to be where I felt the safest.  

While it feels like this period of my life was an eternity, it probably was only about 6 or so weeks.  During this time, I was still sent to school as this was where all my friends were.  I am pretty sure that my friends knew what was happening, and assumed that they spoke to their parents as I was also now being invited to stay at a variety of friends places.

Xmas holidays were now approaching……… December.  Getting close to my thirteenth birthday.  Leading up to my birthday, I had started going out with a guy much older than me, someone who I had had a crush on for months.  I was pretty excited, but it also meant that I had somewhere to stay.  So my 13th birthday was when I lost my virginity.  And well what a birthday present!

It hurt, there was blood everywhere, I wanted it to stop, but it wasn’t to be.  The room in which we were located was behind a louver door,  very popular in Katherine given the heat.  On the other side of that door, was a bunch of his friends watching TV.  When everything had been done and dusted, they were all laughing.  This would be my first rape experience, although at that time, I thought that this was how sex was.  No-one had ever explained what happens when you lose your virginity, although given my age, not really a topic of conversation.

We remained boyfriend and girlfriend for a few months, for me at least I had somewhere to stay.  

It was during this time that many people came into my invisible village.  Being the only white girl amongst a myriad of different aboriginal families all seemingly related and intertwined.  I spent the xmas holidays going out to different camping spots, sleeping out under the stars, a feeling of acceptance and belonging.  

I have no idea what my Mother and Father would have been going through, though.  There were a few occasions that I would see their car driving around the streets in the middle of the night, perhaps looking for me.  And the occasion that my little brother who was only around eight years of age had ridden his bike to try and find me……and actually did find me, but I couldn’t go home.  After all, my Mother had wanted my attitude to change,……. and well for me I had no idea of what I was doing, that tornado was spinning and there was seemingly no stopping its pace anytime soon.

Which brings me to an ideal moment to pause and regroup before I bring you into the next Episode.  This period of my life and the many chaotic, traumatic events that occurred was over a relatively short space of time.  It can only be likened to a mental Tornado, that had a huge build-up of pressure, thunder clouds and lightning, and then it hit the ground and completely unleashed.  There was absolutely no clear route that it was taking, it was out of control and not only was it leaving a pathway of destruction, it was moving forward into with more damage to come.  

What I can say though, the unravelling of those characters who entered into my invisible village of safety will become clearer in the next Episode…… and I truly am grateful to be in a position to introduce several of them to you.  My reminder that lightness fills my world now and the darkness of the past is no longer happening.

However, I am also reminded of the purpose of sharing my story.   A powerful message that dysfunctionality is not permanent and that as adults we have a responsibility to look after the mental health of our children, even if they are not biologically ours.  We too can be aware of the signs of that mental tornado and not be afraid to recognise, we too, can provide a safe place in the invisible village.

I invite and welcome you into the next episode of my story.  

Raised by an Invisible Village.

Creating a safe and connected space for you and I ☺