TRANSCRIPTION: 

If you have been keeping up with my story to date, you may be just a little curious as to the circumstances that led me to becoming a ward of the state with the Northern Territory Government.

In this episode, ‘Home Coming’ will take you into the next chapter of my life.  The title is a little complex as it takes in the short time that I lived with my parents after having spent the past 6 months with my Aunt and Uncle in VIC.

The deeper meaning for me, is returning home to my birthplace Alice Springs, Mparntwe.

As you listen to what can only be described as ‘unimaginable’ for a biological parent to say and do to their child, it was also a time that I was incredibly fortunate to have to this day the most amazing memories and feelings of safety, acceptance and approval during my time as welfare child in my invisible village at Matthew Cottage.  A crisis home for children at risk.

Before I jump back into my Home Coming, I would like to gently create a perspective on what this little 13 year old girl was about to re-enter, a child of a Jehovah’s Witness family.  If you haven’t listened to the first few Episodes of Raised by an Invisible Village, it may be worth visiting those episodes in preparation.

• I am disassociated from the Jehovah Witness world, although I had never been baptised.
• My life for the past 12 months had been chaotic, impacted by severe trauma and homelessness
• Lived with my Aunty and Uncle who I had never met, literally moved states, started a new school, made new friends and had completely different life for 6 months
• My parents had never made contact with me nor my Aunt and Uncle while I had been living with them
• I had not wanted them to be in that courtroom, in fact asked the judge for them to leave – this had only been a month or so earlier
• I was still smoking, this was something that I had been allowed to do while living with my Aunty and Uncle.

And now I was about to be going back to living with my parents, who while I was living in VIC had relocated from Katherine to Alice Springs.  Back to the world of Jehovah’s Witnesses, back to restrictions, isolation and rejection.  Back to a world, I really didn’t want any part of.

Okay……. Here we go, back to my story, Homecoming…..

I don’t recall any of the flight home from VIC to Alice Springs.  My memories of this moment are pretty blurred.

I do, however, remember the moment that I walked into the family home…..  My siblings were all excited to see me, running out of the house to give me a big hug.  I was numb though as I walked into the house.

My mother showed me to my bedroom, which was on its own, separated from all my sisters.  It had a single bed, desk and felt very empty.  A very different feeling to the bedroom that I had with my Aunty and Uncle,….which had felt warm and safe.  

As was usual for my parents,….. A Jehovah Witness bible, watchtowers, awakes, and a book on being a teenager sitting on the bottom of my bed.

Back to bible readings every morning, prayers before each meal, everywhere you looked in the house, Jehovah Witness publication after publication.

Within the first few days of being back in the family home, I was told that I would have to attend all the Kingdom Hall meetings,….but sit right at the back.  As soon as the meeting had finished, I would then have to exit the Kingdom Hall and go sit in the car.  One of those meetings, finished around 9.30pm, and the location of the Alice Springs Kingdom Hall was directly across from the Juvenile Detention Centre, and in an area that was well known for violence, vandalism and car theft. …… And I was not only expected to walk to the car in the dark, but then sit in the car while I waited for everyone to finish mingling in the Kingdom Hall.  I must admit that I was actually remember feeling quite frightened on the couple of occasions I did this.

In amongst this, I was also told that if any visitors came to the house, that I would be expected to immediately go to my bedroom.

So here we go again!!  All this in my first week of being back in the family home.

By the second week of being back …I had been enrolled at Alice Springs High School.  Year 9, three different schools in one year, but now having experience in making new friends, it wasn’t long before I had started to hang out with a crew, my first friend, my sista as we called each other still to this day.  You will be introduced to Sophia in another episode.  Another character in my invisible village.

Back at home, and into my second week it was getting a lot rougher.  Standing in the kitchen wiping dishes with my mother, she told me in one session that if I became pregnant, the child would be adopted out, remember I am 13…… my Aunty and Uncle where I had been living for the past 6 months, couldn’t deal with me, so that’s they why they sent me back…… and then of course Aunty Ellen who I had held in the highest regard and basically betrayed me.  This is also one of the times that she would call me manipulative…… and that I knew exactly what I was doing ……..– mmm hard to think that a 13 year old knows exactly the pathway that she is taking…..  but anyway!  I was also told that my school bag would be randomly searched….  The venom of how she spoke to me was nothing short of hatred towards me, ……… me who was supposed to be her daughter.

Again though, as I reflect back as an adult.  My mother and father in their own way, were victims of a ridiculous Jehovah’s Witness environment………….  Their ability to control their spirited 13 year old was clearly broken….  They were also without insight, dealing with the aftermath consequences of that dark mental tornado that had ripped through an entire community.

It is now getting closer to the end of having been in the family home for 2 weeks.  There had been a visit from a welfare mediator, who came to the house to facilitate a session with my parents and me, without a successful outcome………  All my father could do was open up his bible, where he had fully prepared with paper markers in various sections of the bible……  He would read these scriptures out to her, like he was trying to convert another Jehovah Witness follower or justify their biblical reasons for how and why they were treating me the way that they had and were continuing to do so.  Total disregard that he actually had a daughter that was now well and truly back to that state of numbness, isolation, rejection and wishing her life could just end.

It wasn’t long after this welfare mediator visit, that we were all seated at the dining table for dinner……  I don’t event recall what I was talking about, but I distinctly remember my sister saying ‘ you don’t even understand your understanding’, she was all of 12 years of age.  My reaction back was ‘What’?  and then I felt a crack hard against my face.  My father who had been sitting to my right, had given me a huge backhand across the front of my face.

Stunned, I got up from my chair, picked up my plate that still had food on it, smashed it on the table and told them they could all get fucked!! Walked to my room, grabbed some clothes, put them into my school bag and took off out of the door.

This time though,…… I was in a brand new town……  I didn’t know anybody nor did I know where I was going…..  I headed into town, it was dusk and becoming dark.  I’m not sure how I ended up in Town and at the post office.,…… but this is where I decided I would sleep for the night.

It wasn’t long before 2 police officers were walking through and of course it would have been unusual to see a young girl, at that time of night laying on a bench seat.  They stopped and asked me my name, and what I was doing there.  I remember telling them that my father had hit me, my face still had the red welt marks across it.  They then took me to the Police Station,…… and clearly there were records of my previous history – not sure how that worked way back then… but somehow they seemed to know a lot about me.  A lady police officer came in to talk to me and then someone from welfare.  That night was when I was taken to Matthew Cottage.

When I arrived in a police car at Matthew Cottage or maybe it was a welfare car, I can’t remember, I was greeted by a beautiful lady Sheila……  She grabbed my bag from I think the welfare lady, they seemed to have a brief chat and then Sheila put her arm around me.  I remember instantly feeling okay, there was something incredibly warm and comforting.

Sheila directed me into the house, through the front door, it was dark maybe around 7.30 or 8ish pm.  Wayne, Sheila’s husband was waiting just inside the door.  He also greeted me with a ‘hello’, I’m Wayne ……..and again he also made me feel very welcome as I entered into the house.

As I walked further into the house, and into the main dining area, all these girls started to appear.  Three of the girls were a lot younger than me, 2 looked like they were around about the same age, 10 or 11 years and then the littlest was only about 5.  The other girl was a little older than me, really shy and stand offish.

Sheila introduced me to them and they all giggled and said hello.  I would find out in later years that they were all wondering who I was.  This girl with bright white hair and skin, and wondering why she would be in Matthew Cottage.  And then apparently I said hello and smiled back.  From that day forward, well for the next almost 2 years we were a family, core 5 girls, me the only white girl, along with Sheila and Wayne our house parents.

From memory, my arrival into Matthew Cottage was about August 1985.  The house was a low set, had a really large living room, big kitchen and pantry that was the size of a small bathroom.  The dining table seated about 10 or 12 people and filled the entire dining area.  There were 7 bedrooms.  My bedroom was the closest to the living area, my own room that had 2 single beds, a desk and a couple of cupboards.  Further down the corridor, were the other bedrooms, 3 in the centre of the house that opened out to two separate toilets and bathrooms.  Some of the girls shared a room, while others had their own as well.

There were two more rooms, further along the hallway where there was a door, that separated Sheila and Wayne’s living area.  A place in the house that we never entered.

The first morning in the house, I remember coming out into the dining area.  It was a weekend, and most of the girls were already up and having breakfast.  Before I had come out of the room, I could hear them laughing and talking.  And then when I came out of the room, they stopped, looking at me, really unsure of how to interact with me….

Sheila was in the kitchen and she quickly went about showing me the pantry and what  food I could help myself to.  I sat down with the other girls to have breakfast and it wasn’t long before we were all laughing and talking with each other, like we had always been together.

The following Monday, off to school….. and my new world of normality started to kick in.  As High School wasn’t very far for me to walk to, myself and one of my foster sisters would walk to and from school together.

I hadn’t been in Matthew Cottage long, before Sheila asked me if I would like a job, a carer on the weekends at a place called Blue Cottage.  It was located about 10 km out of town, and was on a very large property called St Mary’s Village.  There were other cottages out there as well, Pink and Green.  These also being homes for children in crisis.  Matthew Cottage was located in town, and was part of St Mary’s Village.

I was really excited about the idea of having a job, my own money.  So off we went for my very first job interview, and then I was successful, pretty much starting that following weekend.

At first I was unbelievably nervous………  There were 5 kids….. all who had serious disabilities,….. all in wheelchairs and a couple of them were actually my age.  The first few times, trying to feed, bath and change nappies was extremely confronting!! ….. But it wasn’t long before I was super comfortable with the everyday routines within the cottage, and then taking them on out on outings like shopping………. or dragging their wheelchairs down into the dry river bed to have an afternoon picnic.

Every weekend I would ride my bike all the way out there, work around 5 hrs every Saturday and Sunday and ride all the way home again.  I am almost certain that this job kept me well and truly busy and out of trouble.  But it also provided me with the insight and reflection that my life was really not that bad. 

This experience of working from the age of 13, I actually carried into my own parenting, as the skills of confidence,… work ethics, organisation…, routine…. and money equipped me with so many other life experiences that school just could not and still does not provide.  Both my boys started working at 13, and have always retained amazing work ethic.

Nov 1st, 1985 my parents wedding anniversary.  It’s a strange thing in the Jehovahs Witness world, there is literally nothing that is celebrated,………. except wedding anniversaries.  So with my first pay cheque, I decided to buy them a gift.  It had been several months, since I had stormed out of their house, and from that time there had been no contact whatsoever………  The gift I had bought them was a plant and a stemmed rose in a little glass bottle.

Sheila made contact with them to let them know that I had something that I would like to give them.  That afternoon my parents, along with all my siblings turned up to Matthew Cottage……..  It was kind of awkward………  I hadn’t seen them and Matthew Cottage would have been a little bit confronting for them,…….. but nevertheless I had wanted to give them something for their anniversary.

My parents came into the house, and together with Sheila we stood there uncomfortably for a little chit chat and I gave them their gifts……..  My siblings were all in the car, and as my parents walked back out of Matthew Cottage, I followed them to say hello to my brother and sisters.

After they left, I went straight into my room and I cried.  Why couldn’t they just be normal parents?………..  It wasn’t long before Sheila came into my room and with a great deal of anger in her voice, proceeded to tell me that my father had returned the gifts.  His explanation was that he hadn’t like the conditions that they had been given to them.  And in Sheila’s hand was the plant.

I grabbed the plant from her hand, stormed out of the house and into the lane that ran alongside our house into the street behind.  I threw the plants so hard that it smashed all over the ground, just missing one of my mates who was riding his bike up the laneway.

Hysterical, I literally could not stop sobbing!!  It wasn’t long before one of the welfare workers arrived at the house.  Jill was her name.  The kindest, most gentle person ever.  We all loved Jill.  She got me into the car and we drove just outside of Alice Springs on the northside, only the bush surrounding us and she said scream, scream like you have never screamed before.  And so I did, and slowly the tears stopped and my sobbing started to subside.

We drove back to Matthew Cottage in silence, it was dinner time and all the girls were at the dining table.  The comforting sound of laughing, talking and the dinner ritual of mashed potatoe and tomatoe sauce.  They all looked up at me, gave me a hug and then we said grace and dinner was underway.

Shortly after this event, I was soon seeing psychologists again.  But I just couldn’t connect with any of them.  The last one that went to, told me that in the next session we would be smashing telephone books to bring my inner child out.  I remember thinking as I jumped on my bike to leave, what a load of shit!!  I’m only 13,  Is that not still a child?

The next few months, was settling into the normality and routine of Matthew Cottage, School, work, sport and blue light discos on the weekend.  There were still the five of us core girls, Sheila and Wayne.  In amongst all of that were the stream of babies and toddlers that would be brought into crisis care.  I would love it!!  Bathing them and dressing them all up in clean clothes.  It also became pretty much the norm for us all to have the de nit our hair!!  Weekly hair treatments, but then we would all sit in a line up, going through each other’s hairs to shred out any nits left in there.  Funny when I think back to it.

It was coming up to my birthday, mid-December.  And I had never ever had a birthday present.  So my 14th birthday would be my very first time.  A blue camera was my present, to this day I still have it in my keep sakes draw.

That year would also be my first xmas.  Wayne had curled up a sleeping back under the xmas tree, to try and scare the girls into not sneaking out early in the morning to check out the presents.  I remember being really excited to buy everyone a gift.  I don’t remember all the presents that I bought – but I do remember the youngest in the house, I brought her a monkey back pack.  She loved it so much that I am pretty sure she slept with it. 

The xmas holiday’s meant that the girls all were going home to family for a few days or weeks.  This would mean driving out to Hermannsburg, Papunya or Yuendumu, sometimes  we would do most school holidays.  Hours of red dirt into all these communities.

For me though, I didn’t have family to go home to…..  But what I did have though,…. was Sheila and Wayne. ….. And they took me to Canberra for a holiday.  I remember it being absolutely freezing but it was soo much fun.  I was introduced to lots of Sheilas family, we visited the war memorial and went up to the Telstra tower, my very first true holiday.

Back from holidays, school was back.  I hadn’t had any communication from my parents or siblings.  It had felt like many months had passed, but my life was great.  It was the norm for us, school, friends, a boyfriend, a home and a job. …. In fact by now…. I had 2 jobs.  I would ride back all the way over the north side of town, after school, to a fruit and vege shop where I would pack.  For some reason I would try and make it fun, by beating the time of how long it had taken me on the last pack of veges…… pretty much a character of mine!!  Always wanting to do something better and faster than the last thing. 

I don’t know how many months had gone by, but there was an occasion that as part of a school excursion we were walking from the school grounds to the town pool….  As I walked along with my class mates,…. I could see my parents car up on the lawn of someone’s yard, and then all of a sudden here are my parents and siblings…. I remember it being sooo strange.

I remember asking my teacher, if I could stop and talk to my family.  As it turned out, the family had just arrived back from Newcastle NSW.  Unbeknown to me they had all moved to Newcastle months ago….. and had only just moved back.  Bazaar when you think about that .  Here I am almost 6 months had gone by, no communication since that time of giving them their gifts for their anniversary….., only for it to be returned.

I don’t know if there were any family visits or calls after that time of seeing them all in the front yard of their friends place,……. but what I do recall is that it wasn’t long before I was made a Ward of the State.  This meant that the Northern Territory Government was now my legal guardian.  The most weirdest thing here is…. that at the court room, which is where I had to go for the guardianship to be official, is my parents actually showing up and seating themselves in the courtroom.  Sooo very weird when I think back to this situation.

The memories I have of Matthew Cottage during Sheila and Wayne house parenting days, are to this day still one of the happiest times I can remember……..  The core of us girls, the numerous camping trips they took us on and the overwhelming feeling of acceptance, approval and belief had a positive impact on us all.  I am sure that we would have turned a lot of heads when we were out in public, 1 white girl, 4 aboriginal girls, with 2 adults and people wondering what our family dynamic was.  Funny when I think back to a lot of those scenarios. 

Being the spirited child that I was though, I still got myself in and out of trouble……  Testing the boundaries as a teenager, the difference though was in the way that it was managed……  There was a stage when sniffing preen or any type of aerosols was a thing, and yep of course I tried this fortunately for a very period of time, until Sheila one day at the dinner table casually told us that sniffing anything kills our brains cells and that they didn’t grow back.  Well we soon stopped sniffing aerosols – thank god!! 

 Or the several times that we jumped out our bedroom windows to meet up with our boyfriends in the park across the road, and all of a sudden our welfare officers taking us to Juvenile House, a detention centre for adolescents… we had a tour and basically we were told that if we didn’t pull our heads in that was where we were going to end up.  Well that scared the crap out of me!!  Brick walls surrounding the entire complex, isolation for the first 2 weeks of being incarcerated, very small cell with a wire bed to sleep on, up at 6am every morning and the food looked absolutely disgusting.  All I can say is that during this period, it was fortunate that we weren’t exposed to the types of drugs like meth that are out now, causing immediate addiction and other serious ramifications.

I was a pretty compliant school student, well I think so any way.  I didn’t wag, despite most of my friends doing so.   My marks were pretty average and I seemed to get along with most teachers from memory. I felt like most teachers seemed to have an insightful understanding of my living situation and there was a degree of compassion when there were times that I should have really got a detention.  Like the many times that we would be smoking in the toilets, and the few instances we were caught and have to empty our school bags out in front of the principal.  For me, I always seemed to be the one that had the pack of cigarettes that were confiscated, only for them to be returned later on. 

Another amazing memory that comes to mind and one that I feel very fortunate to have been part of,  was a 3 day camping trip walking the Larapinta Trail with a group of other welfare girls, all of us being around the same age.  When I reflect back to this time, it would have been some sort of breaking the cycle program for kids at risk.  It was so much fun, we learnt a lot about each other, and being the only white girl I was introduced to so many bushes and trees that were edible.  Not really sure that I would try and remember which ones – that could end up being fatal.  I have a stunning photo of one of my foster sisters from this trip, this is my absolute favourite of all time – a Ying and yang of a white and black face.  I think my foster sister often.

And then the day came when our time together in Matthew Cottage changed forever.  Sheila and Wayne sadly had to make the decision to leave. They had their own family that needed them and time came when we had to goodbye.  We were all so incredibly sad and there were lots and lots of tears.

I will close out this Episode now, as the next one will take you onto the next phase of my journey in life. 

What I would love to leave you with, is that our lives in Matthew Cottage were filled with the most amazing and incredible characters who became integral components to my invisible village.  Most of who, still hold a special place in my invisible village.  From Sheila and Wayne, several of my foster sisters, my beautiful intelligent school friend Sophia, who is like a sister.  Beyond those close connections, my invisible village extends to encompass all of those other people including teachers, welfare workers, numerous school friends, and the extended community associated with Matthew Cottage and St Mary’s Village.  To those whose paths I may never cross again, I am forever indebted and thank you.

Thank you again for listening to this Episode of Raised by an Invisible Village.

I invite and welcome you into the next episode of my story.  

Creating a safe and connected space for you and I ☺